Jokes In English :
find the best jokes in English. Funny jokes in English
What makes people laugh? What do native English speakers find funny?
Here are seven different types of funny English jokes. Don’t forget to read to the end, where you’ll find the joke that was voted the funniest in a survey of 36,000 people.
There are also explanations to help you understand the joke!
1. Jokes with puns
A pun is a “play on words”, so this type of joke plays with different meanings of a word, or is based on words which sound the same – but which have a different meaning.
Here’s an example of words that sound the same.
“I went to the zoo the other day. There was only a dog in it – it was a shihtzu.”
Explanation: A shihtzu is a type of dog. But when you say “shihtzu” it sounds like “sh*t zoo”, meaning “a terrible zoo”.
(By the way, this joke is also an example of a “one-liner” – a joke in just one sentence.)
Here’s another example of different meanings of a word.
“Two aerials get married. The ceremony was rubbish – but the reception was brilliant.”
Explanation: Reception can mean the party after the wedding, OR the signal on your TV or phone
2. “A man walks into a bar” joke
A lot of jokes start with this sentence. Then the joke continues with a little story about a man in a bar. But, a bar is also a hard piece of wood or metal, so you also get jokes like this:
A man walks into a bar.
Explanation: “Ouch” is what we say when we hurt ourselves.
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
Explanation: If you are dyslexic, you have difficulty with letters. Instead of b-a-r, the word is b-r-a (which means women’s underwear.)
3. Mother-in-law jokes
Men often tell these jokes, and they’re also considered a little sexist and old-fashioned. Here’s an example:
“My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well. I was amazed – I never knew they worked.”
Explanation: A wishing well is a well (place where you can lower a bucket to bring up water) where you can make a wish – and it happens.
4. Cultural jokes
These are based on shared cultural knowledge, which makes them hard to understand. Here’s an example:
Doctor, I can’t stop singing The Green Green Grass of Home.
He says “That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.”
“Is it common?” I asked.
“It’s not unusual” he replied.
Explanation: “It’s not unusual” is a famous song by Tom Jones.
5. Doctor jokes
A “doctor” joke is a joke based on an imaginary situation when a patient explains a problem to the doctor. Here’s an example:
Patient: Doctor, I have a pain in my eye whenever I drink tea.
Doctor: Take the spoon out of the mug before you drink.
6. Lightbulb jokes
These always start “How many (type of person) does it take to change a lightbulb?” Here’s my all-time favourite:
“How many members of the Socialist Workers’ Party does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“About a million. One out, all out.”
Explanation: “One out, all out” was a slogan used by the Socialist Workers’ Party to get everyone to “come out” on strike / take industrial action.
When we say a lightbulb is out, we mean it no longer works.
7. Three… jokes
Jokes are often told as little stories, where there are three types of people. A typical example is “An Englishman, A Scottish man and a Welshman …” Often it’s an Irishman instead of Welshman. These jokes are often negative about the stereotypes of these three countries. But here’s an alternative:
A Doberman, a Golden Retriever and a cat died and met God. God said to them, “Tell me why I should let you into heaven.”
The Doberman said, “I’ll protect you with my life.”
God said, “You can sit at my right side.”
The Golden Retriever said, “I will fetch your slippers and anything else you ask me to.”
God said, “Then you can sit at my left side.”
Finally, God looked at the cat and said, “And what will you do?”
The cat said, “Excuse me. I think you’re sitting in my seat.”
Explanation: If you’re a cat owner, you don’t need an explanation for this joke!
The people’s funniest joke
This is the joke that was voted the funniest in a survey of 36,000 people.
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says “Ugh – that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!”
The woman walks to the back of the bus and sits down.
She says to the man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”
The man says: “You go up there and tell him off. Go on. I’ll hold your monkey for you.”
When I want to teach the coulors, I just ask my students to pretend the phone is ringing and they will answer:
Phone rings: “Green, green!”
They answer: “Yellow?”
They ask: “White?”
They hang up: “Pink!”
While teaching this use your hands pretending you are holding the phone.
Submitted by Maria Crisitna Codorniz
Little Johnny: Teacher, can I go to the bathroom?
Teacher: Little Johnny, MAY I go to the bathroom?
Little Johnny: But I asked first!
Submitted by: Elise Owen, Dalian China
Two goldfish in a bowl talking:
Goldfish 1: Do you believe in God?
Goldfish 2: Of course, I do! Who do you think changes the water?
Son: Dad, what is an idiot?
Dad: An idiot is a person who tries to explain his ideas in such a strange and long way that another person who is listening to him can’t understand him. Do you understand me?
Man: I could go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: Yes, but would you stay there?
Man: I offer you myself.
Woman: I am sorry I never accept cheap gifts.
Man: I want to share everything with you.
Woman: Let’s start from your bank account.
Submitted by kara dolson
Teacher: Why are you late?
Student: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill.
Teacher: That’s nice. Were you helping him look for it?
Student: No. I was standing on it.
Submitted by Fred G. Stone
Customer: Excuse me, but I saw your thumb in my soup when you were carrying it.
Waitress: Oh, that’s okay. The soup isn’t hot.
Submitted by Jim Sperling
The real estate agent says, “I have a good, cheap apartment for you.”
The man replys, “By the week or by the month?”
The agent answers, “By the garbage dump..”
Bank Teller: How do you like the money?
English Student: I like it very much.
Submitted by Safnil (Bengkulu University Indonesia)
“Why do you take baths in milk?”
“I can’t find a cow tall enough for a shower.”
Customer in a restaurant: I would like to have a plate of rice and a piece of fried chicken and a cup of coffee
Waitress : Is it enough Sir?
Customer : What? Do you think I can’t buy more?
Submitted by Safnil (Bengkulu University Indonesia)
“You look very funny wearing that belt.”
“I would look even funnier if I didn’t wear it.”
“I was born in California.”
“All of me.”
“Excuse me. Do you know the way to the zoo?”
“No, I’m sorry I don’t.”
“Well, it’s two blocks this way, then one block to the left.”
Teacher: Do you have trouble making decisions?
Student: Well…yes and no.
Three mice are being chased by a cat. The mice were cornered when one of the mice turned around and barked, “Ruff! Ruff! Ruff!” The surprised cat ran away scared. Later when the mice told their mother what happened, she smiled and said, “You see, it pays to be bilingual!”
Submitted by Jeanne Ramirez
Once there were three turtles. One day they decided to go on a picnic. When they got there, they realized they had forgotten the soda. The youngest turtle said he would go home and get it if they wouldn’t eat the sandwiches until he got back. A week went by, then a month, finally a year, when the two turtles said,”oh, come on, let’s eat the sandwiches.” Suddenly the little turtle popped up from behind a rock and said, “If you do, I won’t go!”
Submitted by Abu Abdulaziz (Kuwait)
The teacher to a student: Conjugate the verb “to walk” in simple present.
The student: I walk. You walk ….
The teacher intruptes him: Quicker please.
The student: I run. You run …
Submitted by: Mouhssin